Reading my last post it looks like we were off to a great summer! Movie nights, popcorn, family time. And I have to say it was probably the best summer yet...of course nothing will ever beat the week in Michigan two summers ago~that was by far one of the best weeks of my life~but this summer was really good! I pretty much took the summer off working on the house...not that I've done so much work on it anyway...but I really focused on the kids and our family. In early June I figured a great deal out about the friendships I had and the friendships I wanted and the ones I valued. I made a very thoughtful decision to go back...go back to me and to my family and remember who I was and the things I wanted...and I reminded myself I didn't have to settle for things in my life that didn't make me happy...sad that I'd forgotten that. And you know what? It suddenly became OK that I felt like no one listened to me or heard me...and I was in a moment stronger than I'd been in years. I wasn't falling apart or worrying or having crazy arguments in my head with people who I thought didn't like me. I was me again. Strong, fiercely independent, OK alone, and most of all happy to stand in my shoes, stand with my kids, with my husband, and not wonder why people look through me, don't see me, don't seem to show as much concern for me as I do for them, seem to take me for granted...I needed to no longer carry that around...and though my self esteem will always rear it's ugly head, I've become content, just content...happy again to be me and realize that I was looking for peace and acceptance in the wrong places and for me that's huge. Funny that years of therapy didn't get me here...just some thought, a few heavy talks with a close trusted friend, and me just stopping...stop trying to be someone I'm not. Big stuff here people!
Funny thing...so I've been writing and writing...and all of the sudden it was all gone, just popped off the screen...only this first part was still here...and I've looked and looked, but it's gone. And since I believe there are no accidents I can only think that whatever I wrote or felt five minutes ago didn't need to be said or heard or left here. Or maybe it was just enough that I wrote it, felt it and no one else needed to read it. Ha! I love that! Funny...I can't even remember really what I wrote. So even though my first thought was to throw my computer far across the room, I will simply tell you some more about what's going on, but do it differently, so fate doesn't screw me twice!
So at the end of the summer we went to Tahoe with my husbands family...big, loud, dysfunctional...and yes loving and sweet and though I complain and complain, by the time we left I was crying on my mother in laws shoulder. We do it for the kids...so they can play long days with their cousins, and listen to their mom dance around the kitchen with their aunties while we keep them up late with our laughing and then wake them up in the morning with more laughing while we drink coffee for hours not running out of things to say...yeah, that's right we do it for the kids! Best part of week was jet skiing to center of that freezing lake and swimming around with husband...snow capped mountains, clean blue beautiful lake and my husband in the water...love.
The sinus infection I've been toting around for the past year is finally getting the boot! Second round of drugs is kicking that thing to curb, plus a CT scan showed how much damage there is and how extensive the surgery will be...and though I don't look forward to the pain or the recoup, I look forward to feeling better and moving forward with things I want to do. And after two breathing treatments in ER the other day and of course even more drugs, I'm starting to feel new and sparkly!
Oh yeah, and after months of counting days on the calendar I've figured out exactly when to take the Zoloft each month so I don't yell and scream and scare the kids. Awesome. Thank you Zoloft.
So to recap...I'm happy I've figured some shit out, I'm soon to be sparkly and new, and I'm most happy in the water with my husband. Yeah, that's about it. I love fall...and this one is setting up to be a good one, we are starting a whole new chapter of our little families life...and it scares the shit out of me, but I'm pulling for us...I feel good and positive...maybe for the first time.
Sweet dreams...
XOXO
(so the writing last time disappeared when I tried to spell check~so I'm not doing that again, because this time I really will throw my computer...so forgive my errors!)
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